The Fear Factor

I’ve been in my new organisation for about 5 months and I feel like all the pieces of information are starting to fall into place. Even though there was zero hand over and everything is a complete abomination (and mostly still is), I took on the challenge with a smile. Strangely enough I get a lot of satisfaction from cleaning up other people’s mess and putting everything back into order, so I don’t mind the chaos for now. I’ve started to really get my bearings and now I can mostly follow along with what is being discussed in the management review meeting.

Everyone onsite at head office is really happy with my progress and how I’m settling into the role. My boss even went as far as telling me that I’m “doing an excellent job”, so it doesn’t get any better than that. However, I’m getting a lot of resistance and  unspoken undertones from the management team at the international site.

Now, I know intellectually that this is just textbook resistance to change, fear of the unknown and a lack of understanding of my role. Although my role is responsible for overseeing a significant part of this international site, my predecessor was completely useless and did not provide them with any assistance or direction; she did her thing and she let them do their thing. No guidance was given and no accountability was expected. The other site was basically allowed to run independently, because nobody wanted to tackle the beast that was my predecessor…..but that’s a whole other story. As a result everything ended up in complete disarray and proactive management is a foreign concept. Reactivity and chaos reigns!

So as a result, I came into the organisation and have been asked by the CEO to implement significant change by raising the bar and the expectation of the other site. Naturally, after being cast out into the cold for so long and having to fend for themselves, they are not happy about this new regime. They feel they have been running a pretty tight ship and considering the lack of support they has been given, I’m very impressed with what they have been able to hold things somewhat together. Unfortunately they don’t actually know what a functional organisation looks like and therefore they don’t see the massive gaping holes in their formula. It’s not really their fault though…….you don’t know what you don’t know.

So it’s my job to show them the way. My boss says I’m doing an “excellent job”, but the undertones of mistrust and judgement from the other site are beginning to really upset me.

I knooooow it’s just a job and I knooooow I should just suck it up! But I can’t help getting genuinely upset when these people who I’m trying to lead to success, think I’m some evil witch without feelings of my own. It actually really, fucking hurts!

I’ve been pondering this for some time and trying to figure out why this undertone I’m sensing is getting to me so much. If I take a step back and take a much needed breath, I can see that it’s simply coming from their fear of change. I know in my heart it doesn’t come with malicious intent. So then why did they have so much fear? Why was I being so damn insecure? Why was I so frightened that they were going to reject me? Why was I worried that they would think I was all talk and no substance? Why did it matter so much to me what they think of me? Why did I have so much friggen fear?

I’ve realised that this incessant obsessing with fearing rejection and deep seeded worry about not being good enough was actually doing me no favours. It was wasting my time and depleting my energy. I’ve got better things to do with my time! So today I have made the decision to start training myself to shed the fear and to start working from a place of love and compassion, especially for myself.

I actually really enjoy my work and I know I’m very good at what I do, so I actually have no reason to feel fear. Fear was not serving me and is no helping me to be a better or more authentic version of myself. In fact, it’s been making me feel irrational and unhinged. The fear was triggering baggage from my previous work places and numerous narcissistic bosses. By still carrying this fear around means that I’m still allowing  others to have power over me and dictate how I live my life. I realised that even though I no longer work in these toxic environments, I hadn’t truly shed their judgement and criticism. I was still allowing them to take my power.

Today I woke up. I regained control and the fear doesn’t serve me any more. It’s time to ditch the fear factor and let love light the way.



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